...what really lies behind the idea of courage? ...
My youngest son was getting reading for hockey last weekend. He was not having anything to do with taking his turn to be goalie. He was shouting, hurling insults and refusing to dress in an effort to wear me down and say, "No Joel you don't have to be goalie."
I was on the ledge a few times, ready to throw in the towel, lol, but my inner voice wouldn't let me jump. I knew his potential for failure was huge. I knew it was a complete unknown and this equipment was way out of his comfort zone. I knew this deep, dark fear was strong. I knew the pressure of belonging and being accepted by his teammates was more important than putting himself out there; unsure if he could do the job, let alone do it well. Then, this thought crossed my mind...
Maybe it all came down to trust; his trust in himself to feel fear and still be able to perform, his trust in his skills, his skating, his physicality to play the position, his trust in his teammates to accept him and support him regardless of being the best or even good in the net. The goalie IS the easiest guy to blame for a loss. Joel was suffering from a loss of faith and I suspected this loss of faith ran deeper than being a crap goalie.
He did dress and was standing by boards, a mess, in tears and begging not not to go on the ice. That same inner voice in me, rose again, and I knew it was now or never, he was the one on the ledge this time. He was ready to leap, deep dive into this challenge and not worry about the outcome. He knew on some level, with a blind faith, that everything will work out okay. He knew his body didn't believe him yet and he was physically stuck.
He needed a push and I needed to be the one to push him off the ledge.
I took a huge breath, centred myself, no emotion, looked him straight in the eye and spoke firm, direct and grounded in what I know to be true in myself. "Joel, you are on a team. Teams support each other. You show up no matter what, to do your specific job for the team today and every player on the ice learns that they can count on you, NO MATTER WHAT. They learn that you can show up and be counted on. They learn that your emotions don't keep you from doing a job; instead you focus your emotions on the job.They learn you're committed to them, to the team, to the game. You learn that you can count on you. NO MATTER WHAT. No more excuses, out you go. Flip the switch."
LEAP. . . and off he went.
By then end of the practice he was smiling. He skated off the ice with his teammates, laughing and when he got off the ice he stopped and stood by the boards again. The other players headed to the change room and when the coaches got off the ice and the coast was clear, Joel leaped again, right at me, into my arms and as I was squeezing him as tight as I could he said, "I did it, I did it.", and hugged me back; just as tight.
Ironically though, I think I learned the bigger lesson that day! I was able to push Joel off the ledge because I saw his parachute and his hand gripping the rip cord. In that moment I could see myself in him. In that moment, he was trusting me to be a leader. He was counting on me to be the leader that I needed when I was young. I needed to focus my emotion to do a my job on the team.
Once he was on the ice, I did have to turn my back. The floodgates were strong and I let a few tears ... stress, doubt, pride, wonder and sheer awe of what a cool kid Joel is! .... roll down my cheek. All the while, that inner voice giddy and excited, cheering, "I did it! I did it! I rocked the shit outta motherhood!!"
As a child, I heard so many voices and expectations and saw and felt everything from the outside and people around me. I appreciate now, that listening to them, quieted and weakened my own fears. How fragile that inner voice is and that self is during childhood? That question landed so deep for me in that moment as well as the acceptance that the fragility of that inner voice doesn't leave when you grow up. Speechless, I saw how the sheer power of the voice inside us when it overrides any external noise or vision ... when it tells us that we are able, we are worthy and we are loved, supported and accepted, we do belong to something bigger than ourselves and that force is way more powerful than letting in a goal or losing a game, or even failing at something.
Its power comes from truly accepting yourself in each moment because being afraid is okay. Fear shows up when we want to do something well. We can use fear to start anew and create. Fear recognizes the unknown and has trust in that voice inside, have faith, believe and follow what it tells us to do. That voice is bigger than our bodies and is so pure in nature, maybe it's based in the divine energy binding all living things, telling us what we are capable of doing, creating, and NO MATTER WHAT always there reminding us who we are are and that we are worthy.
Perhaps courage isn't bravery or strength at all. It's not something that can be touched, seen, told or taught. Don't get me wrong. I can see examples of courage everyday; all around me. But true courage, is instead a feeling that propels action, Courage is the sheer, un-altering faith, belief and trust that is heard on the inside .
